Akatsuki and Grandma
by AkiraDawn
Summary: Sasori's grandma Chiyo is coming to visit! How much fun...4 full days with grandma! Wait, but what happens if this isn't fun...what if it's just downright stressful? Rated for language. Enjoy!
1. A Little too Much Coffee

Akatsuki and…Grandma

Thanks to all my loyal and devoted readers out there. You know I love ya! And if you forgot this is just a reminder!

I don't own Naruto or any of its stuff. Don't make any money doing this.

At 6:25 on a Saturday morning Sasori was never awake….except for this Saturday morning. Sasori's loving, precious and slightly overbearing grandma Chiyo was coming to visit and today was the day. She would be arriving promptly at 7:00 that evening. Right now he was wired with 7 cups or coffee and two espresso shots…he would probably crash by 8:00 but for now he was a borderline psychotic maniac. He was downstairs scrubbing the kitchen spotless, making certain everything was picked up off the floor, and fluffing every pillow in sight on the couch. Of course when he started mopping the hardwood floors and running the vacuum in the curtains and along the baseboards Kisame woke up.

"Oh my god, Sasori…what the hell are you doing? It's freaking 7:00 in the morning." Kisame said sleepily.

"GRANDMA, GRANDMA, GRANDMA, HERE COMING! TODAY, LATER. MUST CLEAN, MUST CLEAN AND MAKE HOUSE SPOTLESS. YEAH, YEAH MUST HAVE SPOTLESS HOUSE. GRANDMA COMING TODAY." Sasori said with insane bloodshot eyes.

"Oh my god….Sasori….you've been doing cocaine this morning haven't you?"

"FUCK YOU KISAME! IT'S CAFFINE NOT COCAINE! CAFFINE!" Sasori yelled and then turned around to continue cleaning the draperies.

"Sasori…Sasori calm down. Here let's just come over here and have a seat on the couch and maybe…blink a few times." Kisame said trying to lead Sasori's shaking body to the couch.

"GOD NO! PILLOWS! PILLOWS! PILLOWS! FLUFFED JUST PILLOWS! JUST FLUFFED THE PILLOWS!"

"Hey I heard all kinds of yelling and stuff down here. What's going on?" Hidan asked coming downstairs.

"Oh nothing…Sasori is just a little wound up….and having a severe mental meltdown courtesy of his grandma."

"Do I need to go wake Lola up? I mean I seriously would not care to wake her up because you know I've visualized a hundred times how I would do it." Hidan suggested. Kisame glared at him.

"You….are a very perverted man." Kisame said.

"OH MY GOD! THE RUG HAS A FRAY IN IT!" Sasori screamed looking at the picked rug.

"Sasori…Sasori…it's…it's just a rug man. I'm sure your grandma is just excited to visit." Hidan said.

"JUST….A…..RUG……JUST A RUG! JUST A RUG! AAAAGGGHHHHHH!"

"Hidan, I can't believe I'm saying this but go get Lola, go get her. Get Lola, get Lola now! I don't care what kind of sick perversions you use to get her up….JUST GO WAKE HER UP NOW!" Kisame ordered him.

"I'm on it man, I'm on it! Hey, by the way did he like snort 6 lines of cocaine this morning or something, seriously?" Hidan asked.

"No, it's just nearly 8 cups of coffee…which is like cocaine this early in the morning." Kisame explained. Hidan went upstairs to wake Lola while Sasori freaked out, headed for the Windex and a roll of paper towels to start cleaning all the windows in the living room. Hidan cleared his throat.

"Um…Lola…um I know I'm sitting on your bed right now and you look all…beautiful and peaceful and innocent with you angelic brunette hair lying across….oh shit…shit shit shit…LOLA FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WAKE UP WE HAVE A SITUATION ON OUR HANDS!" Hidan yelled snapping himself out of his dreamy perception. Of course he scared the hell out of Lola.

"WHA….WHA….OH MY GOD! HIDAN!? WHAT THE HELL!?" Lola was now panting.

"Okay…okay…um….god this is kind of awkward. Yeah, I'm in your bed….um we need your help downstairs…we have a kind of situation." Lola yawned.

"What?" Lola asked still confused.

"Lola….get up and get downstairs now." Hidan said as calmly as possible hearing a ton of dishes hit the sink downstairs.

"Oh god…here comes the dishwasher." Hidan mumbled to himself.

"Alright, I'm going downstairs…hey where's Sasori?" Lola asked as she slowly got out of bed noticing that he was gone.

"Lola….SASORI IS THE PROBLEM!" Hidan yelled. And so they were now headed downstairs. Lola saw Sasori frantically loading the dishwasher.

"Oh god…Sasori? Sasori….honey what are you doing? Okay…honey…oh god your eyes are bloodshot as fuck. God, you've been drinking coffee this morning haven't you?" Lola said sleepily.

"COFFEE! DISHWASHER! COFFEE! DISHWASHER!" Sasori screamed rather incoherently.

"Honey….honey…come here…come here…..okay…okay calmly put the glass tumbler down…there you go. Okay, now your arm is still trembling and you have a death grip on it now…just slowly let go of the tumbler…now…step…away from the dishwasher…one more step…okay now one more step…good. Alright…now come here." Lola very slowly and carefully put her arms around. A little concerned that he may explode in the next 7 seconds. Of course, now Sasori was beginning stage one of his breakdown. He started crying.

"There you go…it's okay…it's okay." Lola said patting his back over and over.

"Oh my god….do you think we should call his counselor?" Hidan asked.

"Not yet, let's see if he starts talking about the 'terrible journey through childhood' then we'll ring her up." Kisame saod. "Come on, Lola's got this let's go back to bed….wait, wait….I don't mean together!" Kisame added quickly.

"Dude, dude, don't worry that thought hadn't entered my mind."

"Okay…Sasori…honey…we're going to go back to bed now and you're going to explain why you are currently possessed by an obsessive compulsive demon." Lola said . "Okay?"

"Yeah." Sasori answered through his tears.

"Alright, it's 7:00 in the morning…it's a Saturday…and this is never something we do at 7:00 in the morning on a Saturday…so let's go back upstairs, you've had a hell of a lot of coffee this morning and you are going to crash by the time I get you back in bed."

"Must…wash…bathroom rugs…" Sasori mumbled now that he had calmed down approximately 47 percent.

"No, no, no! We're going back to bed." And Lola led him back upstairs.

Exactly 2 hours later…

"Oh my god, this house is absolutely spotless. In fact it's so clean I'm actually a little scared to sit on the couch. What's up with this?" Kakuzu asked.

"Well, to make a long story short, Sasori woke up at the crack of dawn this morning. Cleaned the whole house like a homicidal maniac because he was wound up on coffee. Lola was called for reinforcements…he crashed and burned and now here we are awake and he's probably going to be knocked out for another 2 hours at least. And that's the story Hidan explained.

"Um…why?" Kakuzu was still somewhat confused.

"His grandma is coming to our house today. Apparently she likes to go through the house and look for unclean spaces. Kisame said.

"You know, I thought the real concern here was Sasori's grandma meeting Lola. Because his grandma hates lawyers and people from Connecticut." Zetsu wondered out loud.

"Yeah….wow….the next few days with Sasori's grandma will be interesting that's for sure." Hidan said.

"I'm not at all nervous about this yet Sasori is about to have an ulcer. I mean what can be so bad about an 89 year old lady that walks slowly!?" Kisame asked.

Yes, yes….that is the question what IS so bad about an 89 year old lady that walks slowly…


	2. Grocery Time

"Ooooooh wow! Look Dana! I can like…see myself in these windows. Someone must have cleaned them!" Marisol said happily.

"Oh my! The windows are really clean, yeah."

"COME ON YOU STUPID PIECES OF SHIT! YOU CALL THAT A PLAY!?!? I CALL IT BULLSHIT!!" Lola screamed at the TV.

"Hey, this is just a question…but should Lola really be drinking on the day that your grandma gets here?" Hidan asked.

"It's not about Lola making a bad impression…Lola is perfect…it's about my grandma being…my grandma." Sasori said nervously pacing in the kitchen.

"Wait, what in the world is so bad about your grandma anyway?" Kakuzu asked.

"What…what…what is…is so bad about my grandma!? My grandma was raised in the Sand Country in the 1940s! Do you know what this means!? It means that she has all these weird fucked up ideas of how things are supposed to be! My grandma believes that the Cold War hasn't ended….she's still freaked out by Russia! Oh and something else about her…."

Sasori was interrupted by yelling. "OH COME ON! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING TOM BRADY! GOD! I HAVE MORE BALLS THAN YOU! RUN THAT! RUN IT! RUN IT! OH DAMN WHY DIDN'T YOU RUN IT!?" Lola pleasantly flipped off the TV.

"Anyway, my grandma…doesn't like pancakes…or caramel topping." Hidan gasped.

"Oh my god….why the hell not!? I need to go pray for her right now!"

"I don't know….it's something to do with the stupid Sand Country." Sasori said rolling his eyes.

"Oh my god! Okay….alright do you remember…" Deidara stopped to pant. "Remember that one song…by Shakira…it went whenever, wherever! We're meant to be together. And then it goes on, yeah? Okay, well me and Marisol so just made up a dance to that…..WHO WANTS TO SEE IT, YEAH!?" Deidara was brimming with excitement.

"YEEEEEEEEEES! TOUCH DOWN! EAT THAT BITCHES! YEAH, YEAH TAKE THAT ONE UP THE ASS!"

"Oh my god! What's wrong with Lola, yeah?" Deidara asked slightly in shock.

"Believe me…if I weren't so stressed right now I would take her upstairs and she would be….well she would be absolutely unbelievable." Sasori said.

"HA! FUCK YOU SAN FRANCISCO FUCK YOU!" Lola continued her screaming.

"God…..you know what you should see her when all she has on is her NFL licensed jersey….it's….you know what never mind. Never mind…I have to mentally psyche up for my grandma. My grandma will hate Lola so much. Lola is everything my grandma hates in a woman….oh my god I hate my life right now!" Sasori said getting more and more frustrated.

"Hey, Itachi! Will you watch mine and Marisol's dance, yeah? No one down here will watch it." Deidara went upstairs pouting.

"Do we need to…oh I don't know…do any kind of cooking for your grandma?" Zetsu asked.

"OH MY GOD THE COOKING! I FREAKING FORGOT! Okay, okay…Sasori don't panic…you're a sound man….okay now…Hidan you and I are going to go to the store and get some crap. Kisame you and Tobi stay here and preheat the oven and get me some pans, pots and other cooking stuff out for when I get back." Hidan and Sasori went tearing out through the door.

"HEY! HEY! WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY RAGE PILLS!?" Itachi demanded.

"Oh god….I thought he was cutting back on those?" Zetsu asked Tobi…who….reflecting on this situation wasn't really the best person to ask.

"Now, Itachi just relax and…."

"GO TO HELL! I NEED MY RAGE PILLS NOW!" Itachi yelled.

"Alright, alright I think they are in the kitchen cabinet, just go check." Zetsu said fearing Itachi slightly. However, Itachi quickly got to the pills and downed two of them. "THIS WILL GO TO WORK IN THIRTY MINUTES! UNTIL THEN LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" Itachi yelled.

"So….Chiyo is coming to the house today. What are we going to do with an old lady in our house for 4 days?" Kisame asked.

"I'm going to ask her what it was like when a quarter would buy dinner for a week!" Kakuzu said enthusiastically.

"Sure….okay….I kind of meant do you think she'll want to play board games?" Kisame asked.

"Do old people like board games?" Kakuzu asked. "Because if so, I bet Chiyo and I could really get into a game of Monopoly…I am a bitchin banker in that game." Kakuzu said.

"Well, I don't know what sand country grandmas like to do….so just to be safe I bought some non dairy creamer yesterday."

"What? What the hell does that have to do with old people?" Kakuzu asked.

"Old people like non dairy creamer in their coffee." Kisame explained.

"Oooooh. Okay." Kakuzu said completely following now.

"Hey, Itachi took two rage pills and passed out. Do you think he'll be okay, yeah?" Dana asked.

"He should be fine…probably just got a little wound up when he took them." Zetsu said.

"Oh good, because we are so supposed to go shopping later, yeah." Dana said.

"MARISOL IS THE CURLING IRON HOT YET, YEAH?" Dana yelled upstairs.

"YES!" Marisol called back to her.

"OH HELL YEAH! THAT'S THE STUFF RIGHT THERE!" Lola screamed at the TV.

"Um….should she be standing on the table like that?" Kakuzu asked watching Lola stand on the inn table in front of the couch.

"She's fine besides she's not wearing high heels." Kisame said.

"Oh my god…I am never going to the store with Sasori when he's been high on caffeine again. " Hidan said stumbling through the door with 4 grocery bags. "He screamed the words 'god this meat is so firm' to the guy at the meat counter and then because of that the people standing beside us thought that maybe we were gay. And then we went to the eggs, cheese and shit section where he freaked the hell out over picking up a 8 ounce container of yogurt that was three days near the expiration date. Then I suggested that maybe we get a frozen pizza and then he started to cry and so I was fucking obligated to hug him and then the same people that saw us at the meat counter were now convinced that we were gay. Anyway we have tons of groceries and here we are." Hidan finished as he dropped the bags of groceries on the kitchen counter. "Hey, Tobi come over here and help me." Tobi was indeed a good helper.

"So…dare I ask…where is Sasori now?" Zetsu.

"Oh he's outside smoking a cigarette that he bummed off some guy in the parking lot. I mean what the fuck? Sasori doesn't even smoke….hey Lola does Sasori smoke?"

"OOOOOOOOH YEAH! GOD THAT'S GOOD! Oh what did you say? Does Sasori smoke? No, well….only in Atlantic City and Las Vegas and this one time a long time ago when he thought he got this one chick pregnant. "OH HELL YEAH! YOU SHOVE IT UP THEIR ASS NEW ENGLAND!"

"Hmmm…god then that means this is some serious shit right now. No Tobi! Don't lick the apple! Now here, wash it off in the sink." Sasori walked through the door slowly and sighed. Only then his eyes shot wide open….

"OH MY GOD WE FORGOT NON DAIRY CREAMER!" But just as he was getting ready to bolt through the door.

"Wait, wait, wait, WAIT DUMBASS!" Kisame yelled chasing him back outside. "I got non dairy creamer yesterday…it's cool…it's the plain kind because I know that old people aren't into the trendy flavors….and now marks the third time today Sasori has cried.


	3. Lola for the Win

"Well, New England please forgive me….I must leave the comfort of this couch and help Sasori cook." Lola apologized to the TV as she got up to go into the kitchen where Sasori had already put Tobi to work cutting bread into cubes, Hidan to work making a cheesecake, Zetsu to work making a pitcher of margaritas…because he would need the whole pitcher. And he made the very stupid mistake of allowing Deidara to make ice cubes…

"Oh my god! I don't get this, yeah? Why aren't they freezing?" Deidar wondered.

"Okay, first Deidara….you have to fucking close the freezer door and next you have to leave them in there for at least 30 minutes." Hidan explained.

"Oh…see I didn't know that. I've so never made ice cubes before because my ice cubes have already been pre made for me, yeah. But since Sasori hasn't called about the stupid ice maker in this fridge not working then this was something I had never really expected us to do, yeah. Oh! And this one time I was using an ice cube tray to make…."

"OH MY GOD SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET OUT OF THIS KITCHEN!" Sasori screamed at Deidara.

"Oh my god, you are like so on edge, yeah." Deidara gasped. "Oh my god! Sasori! My Danna! Sasori you're impotent aren't you, yeah!? Oh my god that's what all this is about! Oh my god, I am so here for you, yeah." Deidara said dramatically throwing his arms around Sasori. This was an incredibly stupid idea.

"DEIDARA!" Sasori yelled at him again. Only Deidara noticed that he was also holding a knife.

"Okay, okay I can see that you just might kill me so I'm going to go see what Itachi's doing now, yeah." Deidara quickly escaped the kitchen.

"What do you want me to do?" Lola asked.

"Will you make the salad?" Sasori asked her.

"Of course I'll make it." And so Lola took the three different types of lettuce and went to work.

"Hey Lola has anyone told you what a fine ass you have?" Hidan said.

"You have several times just in the past three days." Lola answered.

"Oh….that's right….I must have forgotten about that, seriously." Hidan answered. "Here do you want this knife to chop up that lettuce?"

"Huh? Hidan, you never cut lettuce. You always tear lettuce, it preserves the nutrients." Lola explained. Hidan just stared at her.

"You're hot when you cook." Was all he said.

"Hi…..is there anything I can do to help…whatever is going on?" Itachi asked appearing out of…well nowhere. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at him.

"What the hell did you just ask?" Lola said.

"I just feel like I should help out. I know that Chiyo is going to be here today. Maybe I could get out the good dishes.

"Okay…the way I see it…one of two things are happening right now….the slight overdose on the rage pills are kicking in….or….you are in a state of post orgasmic bliss when the chemicals and shit are rushing around like crazy and you can barely see the ceiling let alone know what the hell is coming out of your mouth! See, this is why you should always wait at least 10 minutes before saying I love you." Lola hypothesized.

"You know, I feel so great today. I think I'll go help Deidara in his closet. And you know….he looks so much better in those last season Dolce and Gabbana pants….he deserves them. I think I'll go tell him that he can have them. I mean who am I to be selfish. Damn I need to call Sasuke and see how he's doing. I haven't talked to him in like 2 weeks!" And Itachi disappeared back upstairs.

"Oh my god….this is one of those…..72 hours of pain things that he does isn't it? Or…maybe this is one sick and fucked up illusionary technique…damn what are those things called? Or worse…..OH MY GOD MAYBE HE JUST KILLED ALL OF US WITH THAT DAMN SHARINGAN! Oh god….quick! Someone do something so we know what's going on. OH MY GOD I CAN'T DISPELL THIS TECHNIQUE! OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY!" Kisame started to panic.

"Kisame! Kisame! Snap out of it! This isn't a jutsu or any other kind of freaky shit like that! Itachi's pills kicked in that's all." Zetsu said slapping Kisame.

"Oh, oh thanks..whoa…I so needed that because that was…well I thought we were all done for." Kisame said.

"Yeah….that was….uncomfrotable." Kakuzu said.

"What just happened?" Tobi asked.

"God I feel so….dirty and…violated." Lola said still in shock over this incident.

"Wow…that…that was…so disturbing I almost have completely forgotten what we were doing." Hidan said.

"You know….maybe he has a fever." Sasori said returning to whatever he was doing.

"So um…Lola…are you going to put any pants on before Chiyo gets here?" Hidan asked.

"You sick fuck! I AM wearing pants! You just can't see them because my New England jersey is 2 sizes too big for me because its NFL licensed! And you know what…you're so damn religious and all that I'M going to pray for YOU. I'm going to PRAY that you GET LAID! Because believe me if you get LAID my PRAYERS will be answered!" Lola had finally gone off on him.

"Oh my god I'M A SINNER UNTO JASSHIN! I NEED TO REPENT! REPENT! OH MY GOD I MUST RE….."

"Shut up…go repent later you're needed here in the kitchen." Kakuzu told him.

"Oh I see how you are…you want me to leave because you're jealous that I'm hotter than you!" Hidan challenged him.

"Okay, okay…both of you don't even start. I am, holding a knife and even though you CLAIM to be immortal I will test that on both of you in 20 seconds if you don't shut the hell up and CHOP. Sasori is under a lot of pressure although I'm not real sure why and I will not have you two to deal with on top of him acting all manic!" Kisame warned them.

"Guess what! Guess what! Guess what, yeah!? Itachi….gave me these pants!" Deidara said beaming as he ran downstairs. "How do I look in these, yeah?"

"Watch me freak Deidara out." Lola whispered to Zetsu.

"God…those are amazing pants…damn…I would have my way with you. And believe me…..you would have trouble handling that." Deidara blinked a few times in horror. Had Sasori not been so…..wired and borderline insane….he would have thought this was hysterical and most likely on the verge of hyperventilating from laughing so hard.

"Oh my god…..no wonder Itachi gave me these pants….they must have made him look old…which means…..I look old…..I GOTTA GET OUT OF THESE PANTS, YEAH!" And Diedara went running off as Lola laughed her ass off.

"Oh god…that was freakin sweet…" she said still laughing. "LOLA ONE! DEIDARA ZERO!"

1 hour 47 minutes later

Everything was prepared in the kitchen and ready to be cooked later on that day. Surely there was nothing left to do before Chiyo arrived. After all, it was already 4:21. There was less than 3 hours until her arrival. Just when everyone thought that Sasori had calmed down 4 percent and Marisol and Princess were playing happily in the living room with Tobi…it happened.

"OH MY GOD! THE GUEST ROOM IS FULL OF ALL OF OUR ROBES AND CRAP! OH MY GOD WE DON'T HAVE A GUEST ROOM! WE DON'T HAVE A GUEST ROOM! THIS IS ALL PEIN AND KONAN'S FAULT FOR SUGGESTING THAT THE ROOM WOULD MAKE GOOD STORAGE! OH MY GOD. OH MY……OOOOOH I THINK I'M GETTING NAUSCIOUS!" Sasori disappeared…most likely it was because he was on the verge of throwing up.

"You know I don't get it…I mean I really don't get it. Why doesn't he think you can handle Chiyo? God….you argue for a living? So why does he think that his 89 year old grandmother is going to eat you alive?" Kisame asked Lola. Lola closed ther Newsweek magazine and laid it down.

"Kisame….I have looked hot head attorneys in the eye and told them they had no balls. I think I can handle Chiyo."

"Oh my god! Tobi Princess loves you!" Marisol said completely not paying attention at all and instead watching as Tobi hugged Princess. "Awww, Tobi you have a new fuzzy wuzzy friend!" Marisol said happily.

"Why the hell does she constantly have energy that rivals that of most cheerleaders?" Lola said disgusted. "Oh god…I heard a thump upstairs. That's probably Sasori tearing apart our bed for Chiyo because she only sleeps on white sheets…ours are green. I should go help."


	4. It Is Time

"It's almost time….we have 45 minutes before Chiyo gets here." Zetsu said looking out the window.

"Well, Sasori just threw up for the third time today and now I have him soaking in a lavender infused bath…I think it's helping." Lola said.

"Itachi is still an angel so that is a plus, Dana and Marisol have been warned about saying retarded things that don't make any sense and Tobi is occupied with his moon sand play set." Zetsu explained.

"Alright, I'm going to change clothes and see how Sasori's bath is coming along." Lola said leaving Zetsu.

"Hey, Pein called he and Konan are coming over in like 20 minutes, seriously." Hidan said.

"Um hello!? They can't just come over here! We have an elderly woman ascending upon us in less than one hour!" Kisame insisted.

"Oh…yeah that's right. Well maybe they can help us out with Chiyo…you know keep her occupied when we run out of conversation starters." Hidan suggested.

"I don't know…it's just going to be hard with Chiyo here and Pein and Konan….god the last time Sasori and Chiyo were together…she wouldn't stop criticizing his towel folding style." Zetsu said.

"Whoa." Was Hidan's reaction.

"Yes….whoa." Zetsu said. "I understand why Sasori is kinda crazy over this."

"Oh my god! Me and Marisol are going to get matching bathroom towels, yeah!" Deidara announced.

"What the hell?" Kakuzu asked. Tobi had quit playing with the moon sand and was just staring.

"You mean the towels don't' already match?" Kisame asked.

"No! Silly! I mean the towels are going to have Deidara and Marisol embroidered on them, yeah! You know….like both of our names on the same towel! Dana and Itachi are getting a set too!" Deidara was very happy about this.

"That is just….god….that's just fucking wonderful Deidara." Hidan said somewhat sarcastically. Twenty minutes had passed and as predicted Pein and Konan arrived.

"Hi, we brought chips and dip." Pein said as they entered the house.

"Are you aware that Chiyo is going to be here in like…well not a long time?" Zetsu asked.

"You mean….Sasori's grandma…..Chiyo…that Chiyo?" Pein asked swallowing hard.

"Yes." Kisame said.

"Ooooooh god. That woman is like….like…..well let's just say in her younger days I would have hated to be the guy dating her. No wonder Sasori was all fucked up in the head for like 12 years." Pein commented sitting down on the couch. Upstairs, Lola had managed to get Sasori motivated enough to get out of his bath and get dressed to prepare for his grandmother's arrival. They were greeted by the sight of Pein and Konan downstairs. Lola feared Sasori would just get sick again and go back to their room because as if there weren't enough people in this house already.

"So Chiyo is coming for a visit….hell are you people blind she's not here to see Sasori and check up on him…she's here to grill Lola." Konan said.

"Actually….see that's part of the problem…..she kind of….doesn't know about Lola." Kisame admitted.

"Okay, now that was a retarded choice that Sasori made. Yeah, I can see this now. 'Hi grandma…I've been living with this woman for nearly a year…no you didn't know about her.' Yeah, reeeeeal smart Sasori….god! You're…you're just asking for it. " Konan told him.

"Alright Princess! Let's show everyone your new pretty collar!' Marisol announced as she and Princess pranced downstairs.

"Oh my….oh my….OH MY GOD! What the hell are you wearing?!" Konan asked slightly mortified.

"A bra….oh and these really short shorts!" Marisol giggled with excitement.

"She's like….god….a Chihuahua on crack." Lola said under her breath, she laughed. "That means Dana would be like….a Pomeranian on aderal." Lola laughed again.

"What are you laughing at?" Hidan asked her.

"It's nothing." She laughed again.

"For the love of god! Marisol! There is going to be an 89 year old woman at this house…go put some clothes on! She'll like….I don't' know have a heart attack or something!" Konan ordered her.

"There's an old lady coming!? OH MY GOD I LVOE OLD PEOPLE! And you have no idea how hot it is upstairs…me and Deidara have been practicing our dance! But then, we took a break to put this pretty pink flowery collar on Princess! We think it looks really cute on her! Oh my god! You should see this little bed we ordered for her online! Actually, one of my coworkers at the salon did it because I am sooo not good at computers and neither is Deidara….oh except for text messaging on the cell phone we are like….whoa good at that!" Marisol said. Konan looked more than confused at this moment.

"Is this a daily thing with her?" she asked Lola softly.

"Oh yeah…more like 5 times daily thing. Wait, you are talking about the odd topics that seem to come out of nowhere right?" Lola asked.

"Yes." Konan answered.

"Pein! Konan! It's so great to see you two! Oh my god, how have you been!?" Itachi asked coming downstairs with Dana.

"Whoa…what's he on?" Pein asked.

"Rage pills." Kisame answered him.

"Guess what!? Me and Itachi have decided to buy….a new hairdryer, yeah!" Dana announced to everyone. Much to her disappointment no one said anything. Everyone was still a little on edge about Itachi's overall pleasant attitude.

"That's fascinating." Kakuzu finally said to break the silence.

"Tobi, didn't I tell you to keep the moon sand in the inflatable sand box? Now come on….be a good boy and clean up your mess. Remember that Sasori's grandma is coming to see us today." Zetsu said.

"God, the anticipation is freaking killing me here!" Sasori said fidgeting around. "I wish she would just get here so she can make our lives miserable and leave! God! She's going to…you know what I just…I just have to stop now because I'm going to start crying again." Sasori said beginning to get choked up about the whole thing. Marisol had gone to change her clothes. She didn't want to give an 89 year old woman a heart attack…naturally she thought what Konan had said was absolutely true.

Of course all the waiting and anticipating and throwing up and manic insane cleaning and over obsession was about to reach its climax…The time was 7:13…the sound of the doorbell filled the house. Sasori turned white as a ghost and froze. Everyone else just turned their eyes toward the door…even Tobi had stopped making his moon sand rocket ship. There was silence as the sound of the doorbell filled the house. Chiyo had arrived…


	5. Meet Chiyo

"You have to answer it. You have to answer the door Sasori. Come on man I'm here for you!" Hidan encouraged Sasori to move toward the door.

"I can't…I can't let her in…you have to do it." Sasori told him, still completely colorless.

"Man! She's your grandma! Come on Sasori have some balls…..Lola does!" Hidan told him.

"Make Lola open the door."

"No! We are both going to get behind you and push you to the door! You can't do this Sasori! You have to open that damn door and confront what hurts!" Hidan said suddenly turning into a motivational speaker. He and Lola got behind Sasori and did exactly that…shoved him to the door. Her silhouette could be seen standing there…her short stature waiting patiently…or maybe not so patiently. The doorbell rang again.

"Come on honey, you can do this." Lola encouraged him. Finally Sasori opened the door with a trembling hand as he felt nausea overtake him. There she was in all her 5 foot 3 inch glory. Sasori opened his mouth but nothing came out.

"Hi…grandma…" he finally said nearly choking on his own words.

"Ooooooh Sasori! It's so good to see my favorite grandson!" she wrapped her open arms around him. "Okay, enough of that! Here get my bags! It's freezing cold out here! And a cab ride isn't easy on an old woman like me! Is there a draft in this house because it looks like a big house? My god do all these people live in this house? What is this a freaking frat house!? All these people in this house remind me of the time you had a party while I was away and you didn't tell me about it! I hope you remember that! Do you remember that Sasori? And my god…blue hair!? These kids today…they have no taste no concept of what's proper! Where's my room Sasori I'm very tired and I need to sit a moment before I unpack my bags." Her rant was over.

"It's upstairs grandma…come on I'll take you there."

"What? Speak up Sasori! I'm not as young as I used to be!"

"I SAID IT'S UPSTAIRS GRANDMA! COME ON! I'LL TAKE YOU UPSTAIRS!" Sasori grabbed her hand and her bags and led Chiyo upstairs. Fortunately, Chiyo was so distracted by Konan's blue hair that she didn't even notice Lola.

"Well…Chiyo has been here for exactly 15 seconds and so far she's said one nice thing and 14 negative ones." Pein said.

"Yes…this is going to be a very pleasant visit." Kisame said sarcastically.

"Is this your room Sasori?" Chiyo asked.

"Yes grandma, this is my room."

"I don't like it, it's too small!" Chiyo said. "And I don't like the stairs in your house. The stairs are hard on my knees! Here son, hang my clothes up." Chiyo said throwing her clothes at Sasori. "Oooh, who's the whore in this picture? Are you sleeping with this whore? Are you wearing condoms? I may be old but I know all about the clap! You can get the clap from whores Sasori!" Chiyo lectured as she dug for her medicine bag.

"You know maybe I should go up there. It sounds like she won't stop talking…and it's probably nothing very constructive." Lola said.

"No Lola, protect yourself…stay here until they come back downstairs." Zetsu said. "If Sasori ends up back in therapy then…well he does. You cannot stop what has already begun."

"Grandma, I'm going to put your medications in my bathroom okay?"

"What? What did you say? Speak up son!"

"YOUR MEDICATION! I'M PUTTING YOUR MEDICATION IN THE BATHROOM GRANDMA!" Sasori yelled at her.

"Oh okay. Wait, I need my joint pill now! Give me my joint pill son." Sasori did exactly as his grandma instructed.

"Okay, come on grandma, let's go downstairs and I'll get you a glass of water and you can meet everyone."

"Well you have to help me down those damn stairs! I swear you're just like your father! First, you're sleeping with a whore and you could have anything! Then your eyes are bigger than your common sense…buying a big house with stairs! What are you thinking Sasori!? You don't have to answer that because you're father was like that!" Chiyo carried on.

"That's nice grandma." Sasori said very flatly. "Come on, only three more steps and you can take your medication for your joints."

"Saosri, why do you live with so many people! This house is full of people! I'm too old for that kind of stuf….oh my god do you have orgies with these people! Son, don't stop an old woman's heart." Chiyo said nearly in tears.

"No Grandma! Now come on, you remember Kisame and Zetsu from that family reunion…from hell." Sasori mumbled the last part.

"Oh yes, Kisame and Zetsu…now they are nice boys. You really should be more like them Sasori." Chiyo said smiling.

"And grandma, you've met Itachi and Deidara…remember? You thought Deidara was a girl and you thought Itachi worked for the IRS?" Sasori tried to get her to remember.

"Oh okay…yes I remember those two. You should cut your hair! Don't you think I don't remember that kind of rebellion! I was alive in the 60's!" Chiyo scolded them. Naturally, that comment nearly made both Itachi and Deidara pass out from shock.

"Why would she want us to cut our hair, yeah?" Deidara asked terrified.

"Act cool, just act cool." Itachi warned him.

"Oh my god! Look Dana an old person! That must be Sasori's grandma!" Marisol said appearing at the top of the steps.

"Ooooh it is! I love old people, yeah!" Dana said happily. "Oh! Let's go see if she'll let us hug her!" Dana thought of the most wonderful idea.

"Old people love hugs!" Marisol said. And both of them rushed down the stairs giggly like crazy to hug Chiyo.

"HI YOU'RE OLD,YEAH!" Dana declared excitedly in front of Chiyo.

"Oh my god! Are you another whore?!" Chiyo asked nearly choking on her water. Dana gasped.

"No! No, I'm not a whore….I'm Dana…Deidara's sister and this is Marisol my best friend in the absolute entire world, yeah!"

"And this is Princess! Isn't she cuuuuute?" Marisol asked shoving a purring Princess at Chiyo's face.

"We were wondering if we could hug you, yeah!?" Dana asked.

"Ooooooh what sweet girls!" Chiyo said hugging both of them happily. "And look at this cat! Ooooh what a pretty cat. See Sasori, now these are sweet girls. Why can't you settle down with a sweet girl like this? You don't have to answer that because your father was that way…until he finally met your mother. Oh Sasori, I hope someday you'll change your ways!" Chiyo said still hugging Dana and Marisol.

"Hey is this a good time to introduce Lola?" Hidan asked Kisame softly.

"Are you kidding this is a HORRIBLE time to introduce Lola! She hasn't noticed her yet and I already think Chiyo may think Lola is a call girl." Kisame explained.

"Exactly this is the perfect time for the shit to hit the fan and then Lola will just straighten it all out." Hidan said.

"You know he could be right, she's distracted by that damn cat right now…this would be a good time for me to…you know…make a subtle entrance." Lola said slowly turning around.

"HEY CHIYO HASN'T MET LOLA YET!" Tobi yelled…good job Tobi.

"What? Is that a dog? It sounds like a dog's name. Oh, Sasori do you have a dog? Remember that time you had your puppy? Oooh son, you loved that dog. Me and your grandpa just couldn't tell you that he got killed by an insane battle puppet."

"Oh, so telling me that he was found ripped apart by a wild animal was the right thing to do?" Sasori asked her sarcastically.

"Oh son, we were just trying to teach you about life….which obviously didn't do any good because….who are you?" Chiyo asked. Lola had decided to get up off the couch and get this over with. "You don't have to answer that because just because I'm old doesn't mean I don't' have any short term memory! You're that whore that's in the picture upstairs!" Chiyo said deducing everything. "Sasori, you need to get your grandma a chair because I feel faint…I've never met a whore in real life before…"

"Here Chiyo you can set by us!" Marisol said pulling up a chair between her and Marisol.

"Isn't Marisol helpful, yeah?" Deidara asked. Sasori glared at him.

"I'm a…I'm Lola…it's nice to meet you….I've…heard a lot of just terrific things about you." Lola told her. Things surely couldn't get any better…could they?

Okay, sorry for the slow update. I've been down with the flu and it's been bad. I'll try to update sooner in the next day or so depending on how I'm feeling.


	6. A Perfect Day for an Exorcism

"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER…."

"Grandma! Grandma! GRANDMA! GRANDMA! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?" Sasori yelled at Chiyo.

"Akasuna no Sasori! Don't you talk to me like that! Especially while I'm performing an exorcism! THE POWER OF CHRIST…"

"GRANDMA! STOP THROWING HOLY WATER ON LOLA! GRANDMA! YOU'RE NOT EVEN CATHOLIC! GRANDMA! GRANDMA! LOLA IS NOT POSSESSED BY DEMONS! MY GOD GRANDMA YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE THE EXORCIST!"

"God I love how religious she is right now, seriously!" said.

"Hidan…think about what you just said….the woman is throwing water on Lola because she THINKS Lola is getting paid to sleep with Sasori…you secretly want to sleep with Lola and you are basically encouraging Chiyo to continue her stupid rant right now." Zetsu told him logically.

"Oh…you're right. Well, religion is still always something to admire in a person." Hidan said.

"You know this reminds me of the time Konan's grandma got drunk on the non-alcoholic punch at our wedding…I thought that was bad because she was dancing to the Jackson 5….god this so tops that." Pein said watching as this horror continued to unfold in the kitchen. Sasori had managed to grab Chiyo's holy water and throw it in the sink.

"Grandma….grandma…just LISTEN…okay….FIRST I am NOT paying Lola for sex. SECOND, Lola is NOT a whore….THIRD and the part you SO DON'T KNOW is that Lola is my girlfriend and I've known her for nearly a year…..OKAY!?" Sasori was panting from the fight for the holy water.

"Yeah, so we'll try again even though I am all wet now….I'm Lola it's nice to meet you." Lola said calmly. Chiyo narrowed her eyes at Lola.

"I don't like you….you seem like a bad influence. You know what? Sasori's mother was a brunette! My god and you're a brunette! You know why you're a bad influence? You don't have to answer that! I'll tell you why because Sasori's mother….ended up pregnant! With him! Now, I'm not saying I don't love my grandson, I love my grandson! My grandson has always been the greatest thing in my life but you know why I didn't like Sasori's mother? You don't have to answer that! I'll tell you why because she was 10 years younger than Sasori's father…what a slut! Can you believe that? Of course Sasori is just like his father….oh my god how old are you?" Chiyo said pointing a finger at Lola.

"I just recently turned 40."

"LIES! LIES! BREASTS LIKE THAT AREN'T THAT PERKY AT 40! I SHOULD KNOW!"

"Oh god…this is sooooo not going well. Quick! Itachi create a diversion…my god anything to get Chiyo away from Lola!" Kakuzu said.

"Oh…yeah…okay I'm good at diversions…um….uuh….SO……"

"Oh, oh, oh! Let me create the diversion, yeah!" Deidara interrupted Itachi. But before Itachi could protest Deidara had already run over to the sliding glass door in the back of the house and threw something outside….BOOM!

"Ooooh what was that!? Chiyo immediately ran to the back glass.

"Oh my god, we so have these neighbors that…light random stuff on fire and throw it in our yard, yard! I mean don't you so remember the days when….people like…didn't do that, yeah?"

"Honey…she's your grandma…put the knife down..put the…..Sasori she can't help it! Here…put that damn knife back in the drawer!" Now Lola was trying to get Sasori to loosen the death grip on the knife. "Okay, okay I'm going to go change because I'm soaked…when I come back down here you're going to go sit in the living room in between Pein and Hidan and they are going to restrain you." Lola explained.

"Yeah, okay…okay…yeah I need that…restrain…" Sasori said calming down.

"Oh my god! Chiyo do you remember that one time when me and Sasori came to the Sand Country for that banquet, yeah? Did I look good or what?" Deidara asked.

"No! I remember that banquet! I remember you wore those trendy pants of yours! My realatives thought you and Sasori were gay together! That's what those pants said! Oh my god, you're one of those gays aren't you?" Chiyo asked.

"Oh my god! No Chiyo! I could so prove that like in the next twenty minutes if you want me to, yeah."

"NO DEIDARA THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY." Kisame interrupted him. "So, Chiyo tell us about….god anything but what we're talking about right now." Kisame said.

"Oooooh Marisol, can I hold Princess?" Chiyo asked sweetly, obviously in love with Marisol.

"Oh my god! Of course you can hold Princess! She loves to be held!" Marsisol put Princess on Chiyo's lap.

"Oooooh what a pretty kitty!" Chiyo obviously loved the cat.

"Damn cat….stupid allergy triggering…piece of…." Lola mumbled as she had come back downstairs from changing clothes. She led Sasori over to the couch. "Chiyo do you like cats?" Lola asked her pleasantly. Chiyo glared.

"No! But I like this one!" she said harshly.

"Will you be my grandma? I never had a grandma!" Tobi said sitting on the floor in front of Chiyo.

"Oooh you seem like a good boy. I remember when Sasori was a good boy….but then he turned 16 and it all went to hell! But you just couldn't help but love him…yet there's nothing worse to trust than a 16 year old boy…but Sasori was better than most…but he still caused me to worry! That's how I got these wrinkles." Chiyo explained to Tobi.

"So…Chiyo are you hungry? We have lasagna." Pein asked getting up from the couch.

"Yes, lasagna….we need lasagna! I'll help." Sasori said jumping up quickly from the couch. "You know we reeeeally should have wine with the lasagna.

"Sasori I don't think…oh wow you've already corked it." Pein said.

"You know you could use some help getting stuff out." Konan said quickly fleeing the scene in the living room.

"Ooooh I need my overactive bladder medication. I'm past time to take it!"

"I'll get it for you Chiyo. Where is it?" Lola asked getting up.

"It's upstairs. But you listen to me! I don't want you going through my things! It's in the blue bottle! Don't touch my stuff! You know who you remind me of? You don't have to answer that! You remind me of Sasori's mother…all…helpful on the outside but secretly all wild on the inside! Sasori's mother went to college you know? That's where she got all those crazy ideas about having a child AND a career! Did you go to college?" Chiyo yelled after her as Lola disappeared upstairs to get her bladder medicine.

"Here Chiyo let's take your medicine."

"Did you wash your hands before you touched my medicine? I'm terrified of germs!" Chiyo quizzed.

"Yes, I did." Lola answered.

"Sasori…um….I'm not even ready to pull the garlic bread out of the oven and you've had three glasses of wine shouldn't you slow it down?" Pein asked.

"No." Sasori said quickly.

"O….kay…." Pein said obviously seeing there was no stopping this.

"So Chiyo, be honest with yourself….have you ever seen anyone in the Sand Country… I mean truly better looking than me?" Itachi asked her.

"You remind me of a hobo…well a fancy one. It's all that hair. In my day men didn't have long hair! It meant you were a sissy!

"Oh my god…..are you saying….I'm not….hot to you?" Itachi asked rather taken aback.

"What? What? I can't hear you!" Chiyo yelled at him.

"Oh my god Deidara…she doesn't think I'm hot! What the hell is wrong with this woman!?" Itachi asked. Deidara to the rescue with his comforting words and a pat on the back.

"It's okay Itachi…she's old and obviously visually repaired, yeah." Deidara said.

"Did you say…visually repaired?" Zetsu asked.

"Yeah, you know…like can't see well….visually repaired, yeah."

"Deidara…ITS IMPAIRED! NOT REPAIRED!" Zetsu told him.

"Ooooh impaired! Oh okay, impaired, yeah. Oh I so get those two mixed up." Meanwhile in the kitchen things were almost complete for dinner…and Sasori was getting sloppier.


	7. Goodnight Chiyo

Currently Sasori was laughing like an idiot in the kitchen and practically falling in the floor.

"Oh my god….oh shit…you know…you….you know what this completely reminds me of?" Sasori asked Pein still laughing.

"Pein, we should leave…we should leave NOW." Konan encouraged him.

"No, no, Konan this is going to get good. I'm only disappointed we don't have a video camera with us to capture all this and then upload it to the internet." Pein said.

"Hey…hey…hey…this completely reminds me of that time that me and Lola had sex in the press box at the Patriots home stadium." And the ridiculous laughter followed. Konan dropped a plate to the floor…fortunately they were the cheap ass plates that don't break no matter what…

"Sasori….okay….okay…first….how the HELL could this possibly remind you of that? And secondly….if you were more sober I would ask you how the HELL you managed to get into the press box!" Pein said in a complete and utter state of shock.

"Um…this is ready. Come on please let's everyone eat before Sasori starts confessing more things we had no idea about." Konan said quickly running a salad to the table.

"I still don't like the blue hair! I don't understand why you girls want to change your hair color to those ridiculous colors!"

"Come on Chiyo, come over here to the table." Lola helped Chiyo up from the couch.

"You smell like apples! You must use that fancy expensive shampoo! That's just like a woman with vanity to use that fancy shampoo! I never used that fancy shampoo! You want to know what I used? You don't have to answer that because I'm going to tell you! I never wore any of that fancy perfume or those fancy soaps because I had a grandson to take care of! You should get your priorities straight! Fancy soaps aren't important! You shouldn't be wasting your money on all that stuff! You should be planning your life!"

"HEY LOLA! YOU WANT A GLASS OF WINE!?" well, that was the stupidest thing Sasori had said all evening.

"Alcohol is the elixir of the devil! Oh my god! Sasori do you have a drinking problem? You're going straight to hell with your father do you know that!?" Chiyo began on her second rant in the past 10 seconds.

"Wow, this is the most religious person I've met in the past week!" Hidan said delighted.

"Shut the hell up Hidan." Kakuzu cautioned him.

"You know what else Sasori? Drinking can lead to prostate problems later in life! And you're not in your twenties anymore Sasori! I can't believe you don't take better care of yourself. My god do you want to die and leave me alone and unhappy!? I always knew you'd develop a drinking problem! I'm surprised you don't have a smoking problem too….oh m god do you have a smoking problem and you're not telling me about it? I know how you hide things from me Sasori! I could deal with your ridiculous role playing with your puppets to work out your problems…but substance abuse!?"

"Okay, someone get her some lasagna….NOW." Itachi said. "You know, I'm actually kind of feeling sorry for Sasori because my god she reminds me of a viper that has it's balls caught in a mousetrap." Itachi told Deidara.

"I know! I mean my grandma is a really sweet and adorable lady, yeah. She likes blankets and sitting in her rocking chair…Sasori's grandma likes nails and….poison, yeah." Deidara said.

"You know speaking of poison…do you think Chiyo brought any of those poison darts with her?" Kisame asked.

"Well, in the morning if you see Lola in the floor face down with six needles sticking out of her back then I'd say that's a yes." Zetsu told him.

"Ooooh lasagna!" Tobi said seeming completely unaware of the chaos around him.

"HEEEEEEERE YOU GO LOLA!" Sasori nearly fell over in his chair handing Lola a glass of wine.

"Sasori! Not only is my precious grandson a drunk but he's going to liquor up thaty worthless brunette and have his way with her…oooh Marisol and sweet Dana, fan me off….I'm an old woman and I can't take all this blasphemy!" Chiyo said holding her heart.

"Oh okay, yeah! Oh we can use this vogue magazine!" Dana said also seemingly completely unaware of anything going on around her.

"Do you read Vogue Chiyo?" Marisol asked.

"Ooooh what is this Vogue? Is that a cooking magazine?"

"Lola…you drank that wine pretty fast, seriously. You know if you need a lap to pass out on…"

"Hidan…shut the hell up." Lola said quickly.

"Yeah, okay."

"Awww, Chiyo Princess wants to sit on your lap while you eat!" Marisol announced happily.

"Now that's a sweet kitty." Chiyo said petting Princess.

"Oh god, Chiyo you will love this lasagna. It's the best lasagna in the world." Hidan said.

"Okay, I'll taste it…..ooooh it is good lasagna. Son, at least you're a good cook. You may be nothing but a moral disaster but at least you know your way around the kitchen. Ooooh Sasori remember that time we fixed those pretty little Easter cookies with the pastel chocolates in them. Sasori laughed.

"Yeah….that was fun grandma…until I ate too much of the uncooked cookie dough and threw up."

"Oooooh I blame your grandpa for that! He let you keep licking that spoon! I told him you'd get sick. But you know what he said? 'The boy won't get sick Chiyo!' Well you did son, you did." Chiyo reminisced. Sasori was still laughing at her for no good reason.

"Oooooh my crazy grandma and her shenanigans!" he said obviously the edge COMPLETELY worn off.

Later that night Chiyo decided to go to bed at her usual elderly bedtime of 8:15. "Son, I'm going to need you to help your old grandmother to bed." Chiyo said slowly getting up from the couch.

"Awww, goodnight Chiyo. Me and Dana and Princess had fun with you today. Oh! Maybe tomorrow we'll teach you how to do the Samba in the living room!" Marisol said.

"Oh honey, that sounds just delightful. Here come give grandma Chiyo a hug. Ooooh honey you girls are so tiny you really should eat more." Chiyo said squeezing them both.

"Come on Grandma, I'll help you into bed." Sasori said stumbling across the floor.

"And Sasori, I'll catch you when you fall down the staircase." Hidan told him. "Okay grandma, here you go."

"Son, I'm not getting in bed yet, I have to brush my dentures and swish my oral care rinse."

"Okay, grandma I'll fluff these pillows for you." Chiyo soon returned to call it a night.

"Ooooh Sasori this bed is too soft! That's going to give you a bad back! You know what I always say a firm mattress reduces stress and strengthens the body!"

"Me and Lola like this mattress…god you should see how she sinks into this wonderful, wonderful….shit…now you know that I actually sleep in the same bed with her every night." Sasori said in his drunken stuper. Fortunately his grandma was drowsy and she missed that statement. Once he got Chiyo situated he grabbed two pillows and a blanket…he and Lola would be sleeping on the couch tonight.


	8. Chiyo Has Risen

"Hey Lola."

"What?" Lola asked turned away from Sasori on the outside of the couch.

"Can I come to work with you tomorrow?" Sasori asked her.

"No honey, I'm going to be pretty busy tomorrow." Lola answered.

"I'll scratch your baaaaaack." Sasori pleaded with her.

"No, really tomorrow is a busy day."

"Come on Lola you know what an amazing organizer I am. I can sort your files and screw around with that cool paperweight on your desk that spells crap when you spin the letters around."

"Sasori, I have 5 meetings with clients tomorrow."

"Okay." Sasori didn't say anything for at least 10 minutes.

"Hey, Lola…."

"Whaaaaaat." Lola said obviously wanting to go to sleep.

"What if I went to work with you and just hung out in the waiting area?"

"No." Lola answered. Once again there was silence for a long time.

"Hey Lola…"

"Go to sleeeeeep! God…please just…honey….go to sleep."

"Okay, okay I will I swear. But I just wanted to ask you how late you were working tomorrow…can you come home at like…noon?" Sasori asked her.

"At this rate I'm staying there until 10:00PM. No I'm just playing. I'll be home by 6:00." Lola said.

"God, I have no idea what I'm going to do with my grandma all day tomorrow."

One hard fought somewhat sleepless night later…

Lola left for the office promptly at 7:15 as she typically did. Somehow by the grace of god she managed to get dressed and deal with a hung over Sasori all without waking Chiyo…it was nothing short of a miracle. Though, awake Sasori now had an ice pack on his head and was flat on the couch. This wouldn't last long. Chiyo awoke every morning at 7:30…she had done that every single day since 1979. The only problem was that when Chiyo wakes up…so does everyone else…

"SASORI! SASORI WHERE ARE YOU SON!? I NEED YOUR HELP UP HERE!" Chiyo yelled.

"Oh god…the screaming…so much screaming…why…why…" Sasori pulled the blanket up over his head and rolled over on the couch.

"SASORI!" Chiyo yelled again.

"I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE GRANDMA!" Sasori yelled up to her very irritated by this whole situation. This was actually the stupider decision to make because leaving Chiyo alone in his bedroom mean that gave her more time to snoop…which was exactly what she did. The first thing she went through was all of Lola's clothes. She wrote her opinions down of each item she found on post-it notes and then stuck them on the hangers. Some of her nicer comments were 'I'd wear this to a circus' and 'I'd rather be dead'. Then, she went through Lola's underwear draw and read ALL the labels on everything in there. "Victorias Secret…that little tramp." She said to herself. Then Chiyo went through the computer desk in the corner and found a photo album in the desk. Unfortunately it was the 'Lola's Harvard Graduation' album….it's time for the shit to hit the fan.

"OH MY GOD! A LAWYER!? A LAWYER!? A TRAMP LAWYER!? OOOOH MY GOD MY POOR OLD HEART! OOOOOH THE SHORTNESS OF BREATH!" Chiyo quickly threw that album to the floor and started fanning herself. It was about this time that Sasori conveniently arrived at the top of the stairs!

Meanwhile in the other room….

"Oh Dana! I think Chiyo is up! I hear yelling!" Marisol said happily as she sat up in bed just as comfortable as can be with Deidara and Princess.

"Oh my god! Do you think we can get her to do our workout DVD with us today, yeah?" Dana asked just as excitedly from the opposite side of the room.

"I hope so!" Marisol said.

"Okay, I'm having a very serious problem right now and I think it needs to be discussed, yeah." Deidara said seriously.

"Oh my god…is this about that special order tan accelerator because I called about that yesterday and those bitches…" Deidara cut Itachi off.

"No, no this is much more serious….I have now decided that my greatest fear is…thinning hair, yeah. I mean….haven't you seen those horrible commercials where those guys lose their hair and then they look terrible, yeah!? OH MY GOD WHAT IF THAT'S ME!? I mean, I can't lose my hair. I just can't, yeah! I have amazing hair! I can't just go through life being one of those guys with an amazing body, and tans easily and have THINNING HAIR, yeah! Oh god…I can't deal with this…" Deidara said somewhat breaking down.

Meanwhile back to the yelling….

"SASORI! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH YOUR LIFE!? WHY ARE YOU A FAILURE WITH WOMEN!? I MEAN MY GOD…SHE'S A LAWYER! THE WHORE IS A LAWYER! OH GOD YOU MAY AS WELL BE SLEEPING WITH SATAN HIMSELF! YOUR GRANDPA WAS RIGHT WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE BEEN GAY!?"

"GRANDMA! It's….7:30 in the morning…..I have a headache from hell…your yelling sounds like jet plane noise to me…now that I'm up here…what the HELL do you want?" Sasori asked leaning against the door frame.

"Oh son….even though this is the worst thing I've ever learned about you I still love my grandson. I need to take a shower and I can't find your towels. Oh and new soap, I won't use any soap that herpes infested worthless lawyer has touched." Chiyo said moving slowly towards the bathroom.

"Grandma what do you mean…oooooooh my god how did you find out Lola was a lawyer!? Oooooh shit GRANDMA! You've been going through everything in here haven't you!? Oh god please, please tell me you have no idea what a VCR is…or how they work?" Sasori said obviously so stressed out that he had no idea that people downstairs had knocked on the door and let themselves in.

Downstairs away from all hell breaking loose….

"Okay, so you have the neon pink show string right?"

"Got it right here."

"Good and I have the butterfly net. You stand on that side of the door and I'm going to stand on this side of the door. Tayuya is going to hide behind that chair, trip the old lady by throwing that newspaper at her once she comes downstairs, then she will tumble forward! That's when you, Sasuke tie her hands behind her back with that shoestring, I'll throw the butterfly net over her head thus rendering her helpless! Then Kimimaro will do the Y.M.C.A signal in that window which will notify Orochimaru that we have FINALLY CAPTURED CHIYO AND THEN WE WILL HARNESS HER BATTLE PUPPET KNOWLEDGE!" Ah yes, Kabuto…the brains behind the operation….what thoroughly thought out and perfectly disguised evil plan….

Back upstairs….

"Because Itachi this should completely worry you, yeah! I mean this could happen to you too!" Deidara was still in panic mode.

"Wait, wait, wait a minute. Deidara, you're dad doesn't have thinning hair." Marisol told him.

"Oh Marisol. That's so sweet that you're all concerned about my dad too but…we're talking about me here, yeah. You would never sleep with me again if I lost this beautiful blond hair of mine, yeah." He was now near tears.

"No, no! What I mean is thinning hair is inbred!" Marisol said.

"What?" Itachi asked her very confused.

"Inbred! You know like when like stuff is passed from parents to their kids!"

"Marisol…that's INHERITED! Inherited is when stuff is passed down from parents to their kids." Itachi explained.

"Oooooooh inherited…yeah I get that word confused a lot." Marisol said.

"Right…so see Deidara you have nothing to worry about because neither your mom or dad has thinning hair. My parents never had thinning hair either." Itachi said.

"Oh my god I feel like so better now, yeah. Wow I had almost talked myself out of going shopping today…but now I'm better, yeah." Deidara reasoned.

Back to hell…

"SASORI! THIS WATER PRESSURE IS TOO HARD! I HAVE SENSITIVE SKIN!" Chiyo yelled from the shower. Kisame had been awaken by all of Chiyo's yelling and was now on his way downstairs.

"Get ready Tayuya here she comes!" Kabuto whispered. And then as Kisame came down the staircase he noticed Kabuto and Sasuke standing near the front door. They were now all three staring at one another.

"What the hell are you people doing in our house…and how did you get in?"

"Oh um…."Kabuto cleared his throat. "Hello Kisame, it's nice to see you this morning."

"Why do you have a butterfly net?" Kisame asked.

"So Kisame, Orochimaru tells me you can classify 37 types of sea life alphabetically in 20 seconds…is that true?" Kabuto asked avoiding the question

"Why is Kimimaro hiding in the curtain beside the window?" Kisame asked.

"Kisame, have you seen the new van Orochimaru recently purchased?" Kabuto asked still trying to divert Kisame's attention. So….would Kisame fall for it all?


	9. Ultimate Naked Uchiha Challenge

"So…let me get this straight…Orochimaru bought a purple Ford Windstar with a light gray interior…and according to my calculations you guys are here to nab Chiyo aren't you?" Kisame deduced.

"Well….um…..yes. Oh and did you see our personalized license plates: ORO-CHAN?" Kabuto asked.

"Okay, you people have problems so if you would kindly just leave so I can make a pot of coffee."

"Actually…we could go for some coffee, I mean we were going to stop at a Starbucks after we were finished here but I mean…if you're making it anyway. Hey Sasuke could you go for some coffee?" Kabuto asked.

"Kabuto! Focus!" Tayuya yelled at him.

"Hey, should I do the Y.M.C.A signal yet?" Kimimaro asked.

"No! No! Hell, everyone abandon the plan…Kisame's onto us. Kimimaro do the 'hit me baby one more time' plan abandonment signal." Kabuto said dropping the butterfly net to the floor.

"Ooh Orochimaru's pissed, that tongue just went all kinds of crazy and now he has thrown his hands up in the air." Kmimaro announced.

"SASORI! THIS SOAP HAS MOISTURE BEADS! YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT MOISTURE BEADS! IT'S NOT REAL SOAP!"

"Grandma just finish your damn shower please! Listen there's a towel right here. When you're done just yell for me and I'll help you downstairs." Sasori told her leaving the bedroom.

"Aha! It's Sasori! Sasori where is your grandmother?" Kabuto yelled at him pushing his glasses up.

"Oh god….oh my fucking…..I am never going to drink again…I swear this has been the morning from HELL and if you aren't just some kind of crazy delusion that I'm having I may go poison myself right now." Sasori said stumbling down the staircase to find that ice pack he had.

"Whoa, you look like you had a rough night." Kabuto said.

"You want my grandma…take her…take her to your happy little lair and do whatever you want with her within reason…she would drive Orochimaru crazy she would trust me. My god he is such a baby! I used to work with him! God….he would rather make out with that Tsunade chick he talked about all the time than deal with my grandma. Oh sweet ice pack…" Sasori had found the ice pack again and was once more flat on the couch.

"SASORI! I'M FINSIHED IN YOUR SHOWER! I NEED HELP DOWNSTAIRS!"

"Oooooooh god…I just fucking got to this couch…"

"Chiyo!" Dana and Marisol to the rescue.

"Oooooh god morning girls! Here, you can help me down these stairs. MY USELESS GRANDSON IS TOO LAZY TO CARE ABOUT HIS POOR OLD GRANDMOTHER."

"Oh! Okay this will be fun, yeah."

"I know! I love helping old people do stuff!" Marisol chimed in.

"Okay so today what we will want to do is…..OH MY GOD! See, I even said that I felt threatened this morning didn't I?" Itachi asked Deidara noticing Sasuke downstairs.

"You did say that, yeah. Hey why are all of them in the house?"

"Deidara….hurry to the bathroom and get me a rage pill fast…I can feel myself getting all hot and…short tempered." Deidara did as he was told. "Okay…what the HELL are you doing in my house?"

"Sasori! There are even more people in this house than there were yesterday! And old woman can't deal with friends coming and going all the time you should know that!"

"Here Chiyo do you want some coffee with cream?" Marisol asked trying to actually help out and distract Chiyo from Sasori.

"Ooooh that sounds tastey sweetheart." Meanwhile, Itachi had just gulped down a rage pill….it was a good thing those took effect in 10 minutes.

"Now….Sasuke….my foolish little brother…you came here to challenge me didn't you?"

"No Itachi, I'm here to help capture the old lady."

"Oh don't you lie to me. You know what we are going to settle this today….RIGHT NOW. Okay, now strip down and wrap a towel around you! I'm going to do the same and…and we're going to make Sasori be the judge! Deidara! Get me a towel now so I can challenge my stupid little brother to the ULTIMATE NAKED UCHIHA CHALLENGE!!!"

"WHAT THE FUCK ITACHI!? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? I HEAR MY NAME AND THEN I HEAR NAKED…CHALLENGE… SOMETHING!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE MY 89 YEAR OLD GRANDMOTHER IS HERE WE CAN NOT….SHIT FORGET IT I'M GOING TO HIDAN'S ROOM TO GET SOME PEACE!"

"Sasori! That language is awful! I can't believe these kids today and their free nudity! And my grandson with that terrible mouth of his! Ooooh coffee, thank you sweetheart." Chiyo was now sitting peacefully where Sasori had just grabbed the pillows and the blanket and stormed off.

"Hey, Itachi before you're naked do you want the black towel or the blue towel or the white towel or the light green towel or the…."

"Any towel Deidara…any towel…oh and bring that baby oil so we can see which one of us is more defined."

"Oh okay, yeah."

"Um..Sasuke…I'm 47 percent undressed and you're…not….oh and our new judge is Zetsu…he's not up yet…but we'll wake him up…we WILL wake him up." Itachi said menacingly.

"Itachi, is there a reason we have to do this? Orochimaru wants us to go I think…" Sasuke said as he reluctantly agreed to this competition.

"Because Sasuke! Once and for all we're going to know which one us is the hottest!!!" Itachi told him.

"Seriously, I think Sasori is having a tough morning. I hope that he can get some sleep. Oh and Kakuzu today you I and are going to…ooooh my god what the fuck is going on in our kitchen?" Hidan said noticing Itachi was now totally stripped wearing only a towel.

"Hey Kabuto should I do this…thing Itachi wants me to do?" Sasuke asked Kabuto.

"Sasuke, Sasuke, we both know you're the hot one! Remember that photo shoot we did? Come on just take your clothes off so we can go on with life." Kabuto encouraged him.

Meanwhile, Dana and Marisol and now Tobi had managed to keep Chiyo entirely distracted in the other room. Thank god for television…

"Okay, that's it! This is completely crazy! Sasuke, your brother is an idiot! Look, the old lady is 20 feet from us! If we aren't going to go over there and take the old bag then I am going back to the van!" Tayuya said angrily.

"Go Tayuya, take Kimimaro with you. We'll be out in a few minutes." Kabuto announced.

"Oh Orochimaru is going to scalp both your asses for this!" Tayuya said grabbing Kimimaro and closing the door with a slam behind her.

"I just love these daytime news programs don't you Tobi?" Chiyo asked him.

"Yes! I like them very much!" Tobi answered. Just then Zetsu had been awaken by all the ruckus and had come downstairs at exactly the wrong time.

"I always knew this would happen someway…Itachi challenged Sasuke to a sexy contest didn't he?" Zetsu asked no one in particular.

"Yes, now hurry up and pick Itachi the way he wants you too so the rest of us can go on with our lives." Kisame said. Zetsu sighed.

"Can't we just be honest about the fact that they are brothers and therefore they share the very similar genetic shit and...hell I give up…stand there mostly naked all day for all I care. I'm not calling this one." Zetsu decided. And he went into the kitchen to get some coffee. Dana turned away from the TV in the other room to get Chiyo more coffee.

"Oh wow! Itachi you're like….mostly naked right now baby, yeah!"

"I know Dana…this is for a good cause." Itachi insisted. "You know I've never seen your brother this naked, yeah." Dana said proceeding into the kitchen as if absolutely NOTHING was wrong with this picture.

"Dana…Zetsu won't decide which one of us is hotter!" Itachi said irritated.

"Kabuto, why are you still here, yeah?" Deidara wondered.

"I want to see who wins so that I can challenge the winner on a different day.

"Oh hey! We'll get Chiyo to decide, yeah! Hey Chiyo come here!" Dana yelled.

23 old people seconds later, which is actually 3 normal people minutes later…

"Okay Chiyo, I know how you're all not into people taking their clothes off freely…but we have an issue, yeah. Okay now I can't decide because…well it's obvious why I can't pick but we need you to pick which one of these two is hotter, yeah!" Dana explained. "Oh! Chiyo you should be good at this you raised a boy!"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Kakuzu asked Hidan.

"No damn clue." Hidan answered.

"Hmmmm…are you boys brothers? You don 't have to answer that I know that you are…you look too much alike not to be. Well I hate long hair on boys…that's just silly…of course those spikes say rebellion and I hate rebellion! That one's taller…of course that's the older one…Itachi is. Hmmm…I pick the little one he is less of a prissy thing." Chiyo said nothing more…she just took her cane and hobbled back into the TV with Tobi. She didn't realize the heartbreak that she had just caused…


	10. Workout DVD

"Okay, I've been fanning Itachi for……47 minutes and his breathing still hasn't returned to normal, yeah. Hey Hidan would you get me some ice chips?" Deidara asked.

"You know Deidara, this is stupid why does Itachi get so….worked up about things when it comes to how he looks? My god! He must be really insecure, seriously! Like take me for example, I'm confident that I look good and I don't need people to tell me every 17 seconds!" Hidan said.

"Hidan for god's sake! You don't look THAT good!" Kakuzu said.

"Hey! I do too!"

"You do not!"

"Yes I do!"

"No! You don't!"

"Shut the fuck up Kakuzu!" And that's where it ended.

"Should anyone check on Sasori? I mean it's already 2:00 and he still hasn't woken up." Zetsu said.

"Yeah one of us should probably go see if he's still breathing." Kisame said.

"Wooo! Now jump! Jump Chiyo!"

"Woooo! Yeah jump Chiyo! This way!" Marisol and Dana were trying to get Chiyo to do their exercise DVD with them. Of course Tobi was enjoying it even though Marisol and Dana hated it when he did their workout DVD with them.

"Oooooh honey I can't jump like that. I'm much too old for jumping."

"Just try Chiyo! Oh! Now throw your hands up like this!" Marisol encouraged her.

"Oooh like this?"

"That's it, yeah!" Dana told her. This was going to go on all afternoon.

"Hey, we're here and we brought chicken wings." Pein said coming through the door.

"What the hell? Are Dana and Marisol trying to get an 80 year old woman to do an exercise DVD?" Konan asked carrying chips and a container of ranch dip.

"Thanks for bringing this stuff. Check it out I'm making a cheese ball." Kisame said.

"Nice. Hey where's Sasori I have a phone number to give to him. Something about some guy that Konan knows needing a lawyer." Pein said.

"Sasori…he's…well passed out upstairs in Hidan's room. He had a rough night." Kisame explained.

"Ooooh girls, Chiyo needs to sit down and take a break you go on without me." Chiyo said panting and sitting down on the couch. The workout had…worked her out. "Deidara! Where's my useless grandson?" Chiyo demanded.

"I don't know Chiyo. I'm kind of occupied right now. Itachi looks pale don't you think, yeah?"

"He's a priss! An over reactive priss! Now go find my grandson!" Chiyo demanded of him.

"Okay Chiyo, I'm going! I'm going, yeah." Deidara ran upstairs and into Hidan's room where Sasori was konked out on the bed. "Um…Sasori…your grandma needs you, yeah…Sasori? Um Sasori…" Deidara poked him. "Sasoooooooori? Oh my god please wake up, yeah." Deidara sighed. "Alright, but I didn't want to do this, yeah." There was a brief moment of silence…BOOM!

"AAAGGGGGHHHHH! AAAAAGGGHHHHH ! OH MY GOD I SURRENDER GRANDMA I SURRENDER!" Sasori awoke in a terrifying screaming fit thanks to Deidara's stupid explosion.

"SASORI! SASORI! STOP SCREAMING! STOP SCRE…..SASORI, YEAH!"

"AAAAGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

"SASORI IT'S JUST ME! IT'S……SASORI! THAT'S ENOUGH, YEAH! SASORI!"

"Oh god….oh god….hey…what the…WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?" Sasori asked now angry.

"Well, see your grandma wanted me to come get you. I think she needs you, yeah." Deidara explained.

"I…was….so….asleep…I mean it was good stuff….why did you ruin that for me Deidara…why?" Sasori asked nearly in tears.

"Because your grandma needs you for something and you know….she's scary, yeah." Deidara answered.

"SASORI!" Chiyo yelled from downstairs.

"Tell her I'll be there in a minute." Sasori answered through gritted teeth.

"Okay, yeah!" Deidara said happily skipping back downstairs. "It's okay Chiyo Sasori is coming. Oh my god! Itachi you're getting paler, yeah!" And Deidara started fanning again.

"What do you want grandma?" Sasori said coming down the stairs with an exhausted look on his face.

"Ooooh hi Sasori. Listen son, will you be a dear and fix me some lunch?" Chiyo asked.

"Yes. Oh….hi Konan….hi Pein. Let's see….lunch for grandma…lunch for grandma….hey grandma do you want crunchy peanut butter, chicken noodle soup and a cheese sandwich, chicken casserole, leftover lasagna or a strawberry Flav-Or-Ice?" Sasori asked.

"I'll have the cheese sandwich with the Flav-Or-Ice, son." Chiyo answered.

"Fine." Sasori answered getting to work on his grandma's lunch.

"Hey check it out, we brought chicken wings and stuff you want some?" Pein asked Sasori.

"Is it laced with valium?" Sasori asked slicing cheese.

"Hmmmm…no but it has breading and hot sauce." Konan told him.

"Then no. But I will take an espresso double shot if you'll make it." He asked.

"I'm on it." Hidan answered.

"Okay, Chiyo after your lunch me and Marisol are going shopping but Tobi said he would let you play with his moon sand play set. It will be good for your arthritis, yeah!" Dana said.

"Ooooh that reminds me…SASORI! I need my arthritis medication with my lunch!" she told him.

"Yes grandma." He answered her stopping what he was doing, returning upstairs, getting the pill and going back to resume his work. "Oh god….espresso…thanks man." Sasori walked Chiyo's lunch to the table along with her pill. "Here grandma, and here's a glass of water."

"Sasori, I see that the blue haired girl is back today. What's with her? Are you sleeping with her too?"

"No grandma, that's Pein's wife. Come on grandma! You act like you don't remember Konan at all. You received her wedding announcement in the mail remember? They invited you."

"Oh yes I remember that. Your grandpa was too lazy to go! That's why I didn't go!" Chiyo said.

"Now, are you all set for now grandma because I'm feeling really sick and I need to eat something."

"It's because you're a drunk! Drinking on an empty stomach isn't smart Sasori!" Chiyo began to bitch at him but Sasori just tuned her out.

"Hey, Chiyo I'm getting ready to go upstairs and pray to Jasshin for 15 minutes if you'd like to join." Hidan invited her.

"Jasshin religion is for the devil! I don't believe in that stuff!" Chiyo yelled. Hidan was in a state of shock.

"Oh…my….god…I'm going to go pray for you right now…OH JASSHIN HAVE MERCY!" Hidan yelled running upstairs.

"Alright, Itachi you're going to have to try and get up because it's time for us to go shopping with Dana and Marisol and you're the only one not dressed, yeah." Deidara explained.

"Deidara….please…take my hand and help me upstairs." Itachi said weakly. Kisame rolled his eyes.

"I will never, ever, ever understand Itachi…I've known him for 4 years…still can't figure him out." Kisame admitted.

"You mean because he pulls stunts like this?" Pein asked.

"Exactly." Kisame answered him.


	11. Lola Knows Chakra Strings

It was 6:30. It was time for Lola to get home from the office. Sasori was currently taking a much needed 2 hour bath. He hadn't done such a thing in a while but it had been a hellish day from the start that this was the only thing that could possibly make it better. Hidan and Kakuzu were arguing about something upstairs and the house was relatively quiet…too quiet. Lola opened up the front door, closed the door behind her and wasn't 5 feet into the house when her briefcase hit the floor. She now had absolutely no control over any of her body…

Lola sighed. "Okay Chiyo…the jig is up…I know this is you…" Lola felt something grip around her tighter. "Chiyo! I know what this is! Come on…let me go!" There was a tighter squeezing and Lola's hand involuntarily to grip her neck. "Chiyo!! This is nothing new to me! I know about the…chakra string…things. I mean come on Chiyo do you honestly think I've never been tied up with….you know what never mind…JUST GIVE ME MY HAND BACK! Okay…now I'm choking myself more…" Lola argued with Chiyo.

"Hahaha! I've got the stupid whore bitch now! She can't dispel chakra strings! Hahaha!" Chiyo laughed her maniacal sinister laughter. "How do you like that! You can't escape now! You're my own personal whore puppet! I can make you do anything now!" Chiyo cackled.

"Okay, Chiyo I'm not sure where you're hiding right now and being….rather satanic…but believe me…I DO have a way of dispelling this…it just wouldn't be nearly as effective on you." Lola laughed nervously out loud even though her own hands were choking herself.

"I know you're a good for nothing lawyer! I hate lawyers…ALL OF THEM! NOW I'M GOING TO CHOKE YOU! Or rather…you're going to choke you. But don't worry precious, it won't kill you…just knock you out for a little while!" the obviously psychotic Chiyo announced.

"But Chiyo…I make a very decent living and I love my job and it's always been my dream to have a successful career!" Lola pleaded with her. Something happened because immediately Lola was released and Chiyo disappeared behind a slamming door. Lola, now in the floor from losing her balance looked around. "Okay first where the hell is everyone and second…what the hell was that all about?" she asked no one in particular. Lola got up from the floor and headed upstairs to change her clothes.

"Oh my god! I hate the leader!" Kisame shouted coming into the house.

"Kisame! Kisame is it finished?" Tobi asked eagerly.

"No Tobi…it's not!" Kisame said angrily. For the past three hours Kisame and Pein had been working outside on the installation of a hot tub. It was the leader's wonderful idea that they should install a hot tub by themselves without ANY professional help.

"Okay…Kisame why the hell didn't the leader just get the damn thing installed for us!" Pein asked.

"Because he thought my 'special aquatic touch' would be able to get this thing installed in no time! Well…HE'S WRONG!" Kisame said. "Just because I assembled an aquarium for him 3 years ago does not make me able to do this stuff!" he continued to rant.

"Alright….Kisame…we're going to need a screwdriver, a caulking gun, a sander, a leveler and we're going to need Konan to hand it all to us." Pein decided.

"Okay, let's get this stupid project done." Kisame said as they turned around to go back outside and hunt around for all the tools.

"Hi honey." Lola greeted the still soaking Sasori.

"Hi Lola…I'm so glad you're home. My grandma is going to kill me." He said with much fatigue in his voice.

"So, it's been a hard day today?" she asked as she sat on the bathroom counter.

"It's been a bit rough."

"Where's your grandma now? She tried to choke me when I got through the door and then I heard a door slam and now she's gone." Lola explained.

"Oh god…she tried to choke you…damn…chakra strings…" Sasori mumbled.

"You know at least she hasn't yet figured out that I'm from Connecticut. Since you know, she hates that state more than any other state…which god only knows why she hates that state more than all the others." Lola wondered out loud. Of course Lola had spoken too soon…

"SASORI! That whore is from Connecticut…the devil's state!" Chiyo busted into the bathroom interrupting…well everything.

"Grandma…how did you figure that out?" Sasori asked calmly.

"I asked Tobi!" she said.

"And why did Tobi tell the truth?" Sasori mumbled to no one really.

"I'll get you! I'll have my revenge on you...you…you dirty girl!" Chiyo said pointing a finger at Lola. She then left the room just as quickly as she had entered.

"I'm sorry Lola, I'm really sorry." Sasori said weakly.

"It's okay honey, it is." Lola reassured him.

Now during this time, Itachi, Deidara, Marisol and Dana had been gone for the past 2 hours shopping. They were due for a return…..oh there they are…

"We're baaaaaaaack!" Marisol yelled as they got through the door.

"Chiyo! We got you a heating pad! Come down here and check it out, yeah!" Dana yelled.

"Thanks Deidara, I really needed your help today. Ever since the incident with my brother I've felt insecure and less attractive." Itachi confessed.

"It's okay Itachi, yeah. I've told you a hundred times that if I were gay I would so be gay with you." Deidara said.

"What the hell does that have to do with the fact that I actually AM hot?" Itachi asked.

"Well, I'm just saying that you know I'd be gay with you because I'm hot AND you're hot so see, we'd be a hot gay couple, yeah." Itachi stared at Deidara a long time with narrow eyes.

"Oh yeah, okay I get it now." Itachi said. Deidara shook his head in agreement.

"Ooooooh a heating pad. Aren't you girls sweet. "How did you know I'd like a heating pad?" Chiyo hugged them both.

"We know how much old people like heating devices, yeah!" Dana said.

"Hey, where's Kisame and Pein? I just got back from the Home Depot…they needed crap for the hot tub." Zetsu said with his hands full of crap.

"OH MY GOD WE HAVE A HOT TUB! AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!" Dana and Marisol said in near unison.

"Okay, so on that note I'm going outside to find them." Zetsu said going back outside.

"Pein! On the count of 3 we push this stupid thing backwards. Ready…1….2….3….PUSH!"

"Oh god, oh god Kisame…..we did it! We finally got it in there! Of course….we broke our backs and I broke Konan trying to do it…but we did it!" Pein said panting.

"Pein…we kick ass."

"Hey guys, I got all these hot tub accessories and these tiki lights. We can fill the tub and treat the water." Zetsu said.

"Dude….not now the three of us killed ourselves just now." Kisame said panting.

"Come on Dana let's go change and make Chiyo get in the hot tub with us!" Marisol said pulling Dana up the stairs.

"Oh my god! This will be like so fun, yeah!" Dana said.

"I want to join, yeah!" Deidara said running after both of them.


	12. The Hot Tub

"Can you burn your mouth with toothpaste, yeah?" Deidara wondered.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kakuzu asked.

"Well, it's just that I brushed my teeth with this whitening toothpaste and now my mouth is like so on fire, yeah."

"Deidara…did you rinse your mouth?" Kakuzu wondered.

"Oh…no I didn't…" Deidara said running off to rinse.

"Alright, go give it a try…the hot tub is ready and we're exhausted." Pein said as a very excited bikini clad Marisol and Dana were ready to get in the hot tub.

"Yay! Come on Itachi! Come with us, yeah." Dana said. And speaking of soaking in a tub of hot water….

"Wow, you are right. I normally hate soaking in the tub because it makes me feel stupid but oh my god!" Lola said as she laid back in the spa tub opposite of Sasori.

"Yeah, the only problem is that I've been in this tub for like 40 minutes now and I really want a glass of tea.

"I can get that…watch….HIDAN! HIDAAAAAAAAN! HIDAN COME HERE!" Lola yelled. It didn't take long for Hidan to appear.

"Whoa….you two look pretty set in for the evening, seriously. My god…..if only I could be the one in that…anyway what did you need?"

"Me and Sasori would like a glass of tea with three packets of sugar and a lemon thanks!" Lola said sweetly.

"Okay, hold on. Oh and Dana and Marisol just convinced your grandma to get in the hot tub with them…but don't worry she's going to wear that fleece nightgown she brought. Still, it's going to be a little bit disturbing. Hey, can I hang out with you guys?"

"Yeah sure, whatever." Sasori told him.

"Good, Kakuzu is being a little bitch here lately. I'll be back." And Hidan ran off to get the tea.

"Ooooh I don't know if I can heist my leg up there and get in that tub!" Chiyo said.

"It's okay Chiyo! We'll pull you in! Come on!" Marisol encouraged her.

"Ooooh you girls and your swim wear. I don't normally believe in bikinis but you girls are just so sweet. Okay, here I come…" Marisol and Dana helped Chiyo flop into the hot tub.

"Wooo! Chiyo! Now you're in the hot tub with your nightgown, yeah! Oh! Itachi Deidara! Come get in here! Look Chiyo is in here too, yeah!" Dana said.

"Oh that's cute. She's like all old and stuff and Dana and Marisol make her happy, yeah." Deidara said dreamily.

"And so I told Kakuzu that Jasshin was much more important than watching Deal or No Deal. I swear I think he has an addiction to that show because HE wants to win the million dollars. I have told his lame ass a hundred times…that show is all about luck!" Hidan said as he sat with Lola and Sasori while they soaked in the spa tub.

"I hate that show." Sasori said in his now relaxed voice.

"Tobi, you're in charge of cleaning up all the crap from where we were working on the hot tub." Kisame said exhausted. Konan was lying in the floor with an ice pack on her back and Pein was on the couch. "Zetsu will you make certain Tobi cleans everything up right the first time." Kisame asked.

"Yeah, don't worry I'll watch him." Zetsu said. "Come on Tobi get started so we aren't out in the cold all night." Zetsu followed Tobi outside. The phone rang and so Hidan hurried into the bedroom to answer it.

"Hey leader…yeah the hot tub is finished. I think Kisame was really pissed about that. Yeah Chiyo is here. Well Sasori hasn't called his therapist yet but it's still kind of early to tell. Oh well you see, she's the grandma from hell. No, no…she's more like…a badger that got a pail of cold water thrown on it. Yeah! Yeah now you get it! Legal advice? Leader…what did you do? Oh praise Jasshin I thought maybe you had killed someone. Alright hold on let me put Lola on." Hidan handed the phone to Lola.

"Um….hi?" she answered it with a questioning attitude. "You did what? Was it marked no parking? Was there a clearly displayed sign indicating the hours of no parking? Was there a meter? Did the space say 'compact cars only'? Were you parked at least 5 feet from the adjacent car? Are you aware that city law prohibits parking on curbs? Yeah, you owe that ticket and you may be facing some minor charges for assaulting a parking meter. Okay, here's Hidan." Lola handed the phone back.

"What the hell did the leader do?" Sasori asked calmly.

"He tried to park a Cadillac Escalade on a curb at an intersection, then he got a ticket, then he started beating a parking meter with a plastic baseball bat." Lola explained.

"Where the hell did he get a Cadillac Escalade?" Sasori wondered out loud.

"Oh my god! I have so never been in a hot tub with an old person, yeah!" Dana said. "We love you Chiyo!"

"I know this is so cool!" Marisol agreed.

"You know, this whole thing is just kind of weird and you know how incredibly open minded I am." Itachi said to Deidara.

"Yeah, but at least she wore a fleece nightgown, I mean it could have been worse she could have worn slippers in here, yeah." Deidara explained.

"You're right." Itachi said.

"Come on Tobi! Stop counting the rocks and pick up the tools! It's cold out here!" Zetsu encouraged Tobi to get to work.

"Sorry Zetsu, it's just that there are so many rocks and it's really tempting to count them all." Tobi said.

"I don't care Tobi! Just clean up these tools so we can go inside!" Zetsu yelled at him.

"Pein, take the ice pack off my back. I'm going to try and get up." Konan said weakly.

"Honey, I'm really sorry about dropping that toolbox on you…and accidently wedging you between the hot tub and the deck…and hitting you with that piece of lumber…wow I sound like an abusive spouse." Pein said reaching for Konan's hand to pull her off the floor.

"You know I would microwave some of those pizza rolls for us….but I can't get up." Kisame said half asleep on the couch. Hmmmm…..HEY KAKUZU!" Kakuzu came into the living room where Kisame, Pein and Konan were.

"Yeah?" he answered.

"Will you heat up a box of those pizza rolls in the microwave? We would but apparently we're all dying from exhaustion….damn hot tub." Kisame mumbled.

"Hey, no problem Kisame. I'm here for you." Kakuzu said quickly making his way to the freezer.


	13. Shoney's Breakfast Buffet

"Oh my god…oooooooh my god….oh my god! Oh my god I've figured it!"

"What? What? What?" Sasori asked as Lola suddenly had some sort revelation which was somewhat odd since she was sitting straight up on the couch and it was 2:30 in the morning. And somehow Sasori had woken up just as quickly.

"I know why your grandma hates my ass." Lola said. "I…remind your grandma…of your mother."

"Say that again…" Sasori was now sitting straight up beside her.

"Okay…okay let's think about this…your mother was a brunette…she got pregnant with you and quit her job…your grandma loved the fact that she could babysit you while your mom was at work….but when she quit…she got pissed…your mom…your…..OH MY GOD YOUR MOM WORKED FOR A LAW OFFICE! YOUR MOM WAS A SECRETARY IN A LAW OFFICE!" Lola was now standing up in the middle of the floor. "I am going upstairs and I am going to wake her up and I am…why I oughtta!" There was a long pause as Sasori processed all this…

"OH MY GOD! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF ALL THIS BEFORE!" Now Sasori was standing up in the middle of the floor. "MY DAMN GRANDMA DOESN'T HATE YOU….SHE SECRETLY THINKS YOUR EVERYTHING SHE EVER WANTERD FOR MY MOM!!!! OH MY GOD…WHERE THE HELL IS MY SHIRT?"

"CHIYO! CHIYO! WAKE UP! WAKE UUUUUP NOW!" Lola yelled storming into what used to be her and Sasori's bedroom.

"Ooooooooh! Ooooooooh! You scared me you little bitch! I'm an old fragile woman! I could have a heart attack!"

"Alright Chiyo, that's enough! You don't really hate me! You love me! You are crazy about me! You think I'm the best fucking thing to ever happen to your grandson! Admit it Chiyo! I'm everything you wish his mother would have been….and more! Of course….even though I'm right about this…we still can't figure out the Connecticut thing! ADMIT EVERYTHING CHIYO!" Lola demanded of her. Chiyo just stared at Lola in shock for a moment.

"YOU'RE RIGHT! YOU'RE RIGHT! HOW DID YOU FIGURE ME OUT!? I don't think you're a herpes infested whore, I don't hate lawyers! I think you're everything that I could have ever wanted in life for my Sasori! I mean my god he's such a disaster! He needs someone like you to help keep him focused! Ooooooh honey, give Chiyo a hug!" It was a funny sight. Lola had nearly reduced an 89 year old woman to tears through interrogating confessional techniques.

"You're a sweet lady…now go back to sleep…I just…you know had to come and confront you about this." Lola said telling her goodnight once more and heading back downstairs. Once Lola got back downstairs, there was Sasori sitting on the couch in tears.

"Oh my god! Should I have not yelled at her?" She asked quickly going to console him.

"No….you did so good……it's just….I'm just so happy right now." Sasori said through his pouring tears. He was relieved because maybe, just maybe his grandma would now be less of a bitch.

The next morning…

Kisame slowly wandered into the kitchen to search for the most powerful pain medication he could find. Never again would he agree to assemble some stupid hot tub for the leader. It was a Saturday and today was going to be the day that he would recover from all the chaos the day before. He finally found extra strength Tylenol swallowed it and slowly went outside to see if the morning paper had arrived.

"Sasori…" Lola mumbled barely awake.

"Hmmmm…" Sasori mumbled back to her.

"We….are never sleeping on this stupid couch again…"

"Why…it's a nice couch…" Sasori asked her still half asleep.

"Because you are absolutely crushing me…"

"Huh? How am I….oh my god…how the hell did I get completely on top of you? No wonder I thought this couch had so much space…how long have you been under there?"

"I don't know…I woke up…realized I couldn't breathe or move…now here we are…" Lola said weakly.

"SASORI!" Well it was obvious Chiyo was now awake…

"HOLD ON GRANDMA!" But much to Sasori's surprise Chiyo was slowly making her way down the stairs.

"Sasori, get dressed we're going out for breakfast this morning. Come on now. Lola honey, come on now. If we hurry we can make to Shoney's bitchin' breakfast buffet."

"Grandma….are you being serious or do you have something moderately evil planned right now?"

"Sasori! Son, would I do that. Come on! I get a senior discount there and we need to be there before 11:00!" Chiyo was trying to get them off the couch.

"Grandma, it's 8:23 we have time…but hold on. I'll get dressed and so will Lola and we'll go. Come on Lola." Sasori took her hand and pulled her off the couch. Unfortunately both her legs were asleep from having been pinned underneath Sasori so instead of standing up she just kind of rolled into the floor. "Yeah…we're not sleeping on the couch anymore…okay…so you can just get up whenever you're ready." Sasori said to hear leaving to go change.

Twenty minutes later the three of them were ready to leave for the Shoney's breakfast buffet.

"Come on honey, I'll tell you all about how Sasori used to wet the bed when he was little." Chiyo said grabbing Sasori's arm as they walked toward the door.

"Oh…that's…interesting…I guess I could tell you about the time I peed my pants in college….I mean it was because I drank too much not because I can't control my bladder….yeah…that happened once." Fortunately Sasori had already gone outside to warm the car up. Besides, the cold was hard on Chiyo's joints and she made sure everyone knew.

"Here Chiyo you ride up front. It's easier to get in and out." Lola said helping Chiyo into the car.

Unfortunately, to Marisol and Dana's disappointment they had woken up that morning only to discover that Lola, Sasori and Chiyo had gone to the Shoney's breakfast buffet.

"Awww, Dana…I wish we could have gone to breakfast with her. I've always wanted to go someplace public with an old person." Marisol said.

"Hey! Maybe when they get back we can talk Chiyo into going with us while we get our nails done, yeah! Do old people do that?" Dana wondered.

"I don't know but that would be fun!" Marisol agreed with her.

"Oh my god! So I just got THE best idea I've ever had in the past 4 days, yeah!" Deidara said appearing half naked at the top of the stairs.

"Oh my god! Did you finally get an idea for what we should name a second cat?" Marisol asked.

"No, but I've been thinking really hard about that, yeah. Okay here's my great idea….I think we should…switch our shower gel to that ultra rich body crème, yeah." There was silence.

"Wow…that is such a good idea, yeah! Why didn't I think of that!" Dana said completely in awe that she hadn't thought of this amazing and brilliant idea sooner.

"It's okay Dana, I've always been a little quicker than you, yeah. You know like in school and stuff." Deidara said.

"Yeah, you're right." She answered.

"Hey guys. If Kakuzu comes down here and mentions anything about lottery tickets you tell him these exact words: shove it up your fucking ass. Okay? You got that? Tell him that because I need to go pray to Jasshin because I'm so damn pissed!" Hidan said.

"Tobi! Shut up! For the seventh time….we DO NOT have any Frankenberry cereal we ONLY have Count Chocula and NO I have not seen your stupid special cereal spoon! Are you sure you weren't digging in the moon sand with it?" Zetsu asked already agitated with Tobi.

"Ooooh you know what Zetsu…I did have my special spoon in the sand…I should go get it." Zetsu sighed.

"God…and I thought that pre -school job I had was rough…"


	14. Kisame's Tree

"Wow, I haven't had the Shoney's breakfast buffet since 1989." Lola told Chiyo as they returned home.

"I love the breakfast buffet. It's the perfect place for me to save 10 percent!" Chiyo said excitedly. "Okay, Lola you promised you'd show me those pictures from New England. You know I hate Connecticut but I love Massachusetts." Chiyo said making herself comfortable on the couch.

"Yeah, okay hold on let me go get that album."

"Hey, show her picture of when you got stuck in the elevator…oh my god that was so funny." Sasori.

"I can't believe you took that picture! You would have felt really badly if I would have gotten a broken arm." Lola said.

"Oh my god! Chiyo is back!" Dana yelled at Marisol as she ran down the stairs to greet her. "Hi Chiyo, yeah!

"Hello there sweetheart. Ooooh come give Chiyo a hug!" Chiyo said with open arms.

"Chiyo! Today me and Marisol are going to get our nails done, yeah! Will you come with us?" Dana asked with shining eyes.

"Oooooh I've never been to a nail salon before. I suppose I could come with you to open up my life experiences.

"Yay!!! Oh my god this is going to be soooooo fun, yeah!" Dana said. She couldn't wait to tell Marisol

"Are we out of the E.L. Fudge double stuffed cookies? Please say no." Kakuzu asked Zetsu. It was obvious he was somewhat nervous about this matter.

"No, there should be a new box of them in that cabinet above the stove." Zetsu answered.

"Yesssssss! Kakuzu said quickly ravaging through the cabinet.

"Here Chiyo, this is a good album." Lola said returning with the photo album.

"I want to see! I want see! I want to see, yeah!" Dana said quickly bouncing down on the couch beside Chiyo.

"I hate the leader!" Kisame said storming through the front door covered in mud. "First, he calls over here this morning and tells me that I have to plant a stupid tree! Then, I go outside with the stupid shovel and stat digging a hole to plant this dumbass Bartlett Pear tree! Then it starts to rain and it filled my stupid hole with mud! Then, what do I do? As I was placing the Bartlett Pear tree in the hold…I slipped on the roots and fell in the mud! God! Why does the leader insists on landscaping!!? Forget it, I'm going to take a shower…stupid tree!" Kisame was obviously not happy about the whole tree planting fiasco.

"Wow, I didn't even realize that he was gone this morning, yeah." Dana said as Kisame stormed off to shower and get out of the cold muddy clothes.

"Ooooh honey what is this?" Chiyo asked.

"That's Boston Harbor. There I am with my graduation robe. I hadn't yet had a chance to take it off." Lola said.

"Well this does look like a pretty place." Chiyo said.

"God! I hate Tobi! I mean I hate him! I just spent 27 minutes on the phone with the stupid Moon Sand representatives about what to do when you swallow Moon Sand! Stupid ass Tobi made a hamburger out of moon sand and wouldn't you know it he just HAD to know what it tasted like!!" Zetsu said angrily. "God! Why the hell is he so freaking stupid!?"

"What's wrong with him? I mean…how dumb is that?" Kakuzu asked. "Wait….it was a 1-800 number right? Because those are toll free." He added. Zetsu sighed.

"Yes, it was toll free. Oh and for the record, when you eat moon sand you're supposed to use mouth wash three times and rinse."

"Hmmm…must not be that toxic." Kakuzu said.

"Alright Deidara, now listen. If I go with you and Marisol to the ballroom competition I will not hold up that stupid sign you made!" Itachi insisted.

"But Itachi…"

"Deidara, it says 'Blonde es Caliente' that's stupid!" Itachi insisted."

"Fine. But you'll be saying that when we win the competition, yeah. Oh my god have I told you that we're dancing to Rihanna's Don't Stop the Music, yeah."

"Only a hundred." Itachi answered dully. "Wait, if I'm going with you two I need something hot to wear and all my 'oh my god you look so hot in that' stuff is in the wash."

"Itachi, it's in three days, yeah. I'm sure Sasori will wash clothes before then." Deidara insisted.

"Oh…..yeah…that's right."

"Hey, Chiyo Lola…is like smart. That's why she has one of these graduation book things. Oh my god! I went to cosmetology school!" Marisol said.

"Ooooh honey that's a different kind of smart!" Chiyo told her.

"Grandma, you're going to have to start packing. You're flight leaves early tomorrow and we will have to get to the airport early." Sasori explained to her.

"He's right. Come on Chiyo I'll help you pack your things." Lola insisted.

"It feels like I just got here! I haven't even had a chance to ask that boy about his horrible religion of Jasshin." Chiyo said slowly getting up from the couch.

"Chiyo will you have time to go to the nail salon with us today, yeah?" Dana asked.

"Of course I will. I won't take long to pack." Chiyo said.

"Oh my god this will be so fun! Me and Marisol will so go change, yeah!" and so they took off to do just that. Kisame was now out of the shower and staring out the window at the one thing that couldn't have pissed him off more.

"Great….this is just great…now it's down pouring and the stupid rain pushed the damn tree over sideways…there are days that I hate my life and this is one of them." Kisame said sighing. "I need a drink."

Okay, I apologize that it's taken me soo long to update. I've been really sick. I mean reeeeeally sick as in I even missed a week and a half of school. But anyway, this was a really short chapter. The next one will be a longer wrap up chapter. I'm already planning the next story and I hope to get started on it soon!


	15. The Popcorn Fascination

"Oh my god! This is only the best microwave popcorn on the planet!" Pein declared.

"Yeah, have you all tried this stuff? It's bitchin!" Konan agreed.

"Oh it's the extra buttery kind. Here let me try it." Zetsu insisted. "Wow, this is amazing popcorn.

"Oh hi there Chiyo. Do you want some popcorn?" Pein asked.

"Oooooh honey I can't have popcorn. It's hard on my dentures." Chiyo said as she slowly made her way to the door.

"Oh Chiyo do you have to leave us, yeah? You're the funnest old person ever!" Dana said.

"Yeah, Princess will miss you too." Marisol said petting Princess. Lola and Sasori were upstairs piling up Chiyo's luggage and preparing to bring it downstairs.

"Grandma! Have you taken your medication?" Sasori yelled from upstairs.

"What? What son?" Chiyo yelled.

"YOUR MEDICATION GRANDMA! HAVE YOU TAKEN YOUR MEDICATION!?"

"Oh, that…yes I've taken it son." Chiyo answered sitting herself down in the kitchen.

"God, I can't wait to get our bed back. Stupid…dumb ass couch." Lola complained as she came down the stairs with luggage.

"You know Chiyo I just want to thank you again for the three dollars." Kakuzu said happily.

"It's fine Kakuzu! That's the seventeenth time you've thanked me!"

"Sorry, sorry it's just…it's three dollars." Kakuzu was obviously on a money high. Sasori and Lola had packed all of Chiyo's luggage downstairs and it was now sitting by the door.

"Here you go Chiyo. I made you a moon sand dinosaur."

"That's very nice of you Tobi. You're a good boy." Chiyo reassured him. If Tobi were a cat he would have purred. It was still somewhat early and Chiyo still had a couple hours before she had to leave for the airport.

Pein and Konan were still hitting the popcorn hard.

"Now where did you say you got this stuff?" Zetsu asked.

"Costco. The leader has a membership there. We paid an additional 15 dollars to be on his membership account." Pein explained.

"Yep, this popcorn is sold in amazing boxes of 24 packages." Konan said dreamily.

"Wow…oh my god…we must get a Costco membership." Zetsu said as if he had found a new goal.

"Oh Zetsu, you don't understand Costco…is amazing." Konan said still eating the popcorn. Meanwhile Lola figured she would cook Chiyo something before she got on the plane. Besides, Chiyo wouldn't dare eat airline peanuts…she thought they were laced with poison.

"Chiyo, do you like potato chowder?" Lola asked her pulling out a pot from under the stove.

"Oh honey that sounds wonderful."

"Lola while you do that I'll put a loaf of that French bread in the oven." Sasori said following behind her in the kitchen.

"Dana, Marisol what do you girls like to cook?" Chiyo asked. Both of them looked at one another.

"Ummm…oh! This one time we made Jello!" Marisol said.

"Yeah, and when I was still living at home and me and Deidara were in high school, I burnt a microwave dinner!" Dana said happily.

"Oh, so you girls aren't much of cooks are you?" Marisol looked sad.

"No…oh! But this one time…Deidara made those brownies from a box!" she said perking up again.

"Hey Lola have you ever considered cooking in an apron and high heels….and not much else?" Hidan asked.

"Have you ever considered going to hell?" Lola asked chopping up potatoes.

"Lola! I'm a Jasshin follower!"

"Uh huh…whatever…go to hell." Lola said unamused.

"Lola…you're a sweetheart. Oh hey, is that popcorn?" Hidan asked getting sidetracked by Pein and Konan in the living room.

"Oh good, Hidan you're here! Listen…we must have a Costco membership. And for the low price of 15 dollars a year we can get on the leader's account!" Zetsu said enthusiastically. huh? We'll have to run that by Sasori but since I just personified Lola as a 1950's sexual object now might not be the best time. But seriously, it was funny stuff." The phone rang and unfortunately Itachi just HAD to answer it. And fate would have it that it just HAD to be one of those annoying phone sales people.

"No…I'm not interested in buying any. I'm sorry but I already read the best magazines. Look, I don't want any magazines. OH YOU JUST GO TO HELL! I'VE TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT YOUR CRAP! I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR THREE EASY PAYMENTS OF 11.99! GOOD BYE! Ooooooh those stupid phone solicitor bitches!" Itachi ranted.

"Hey Itachi, I found your rage pill, yeah. I found it underneath Dana's makeup bag." Deidara said handing it over.

"Give me that." Itachi grabbed it from him…but the drama wasn't over yet… "OH MY GOD! OOOOOOOH MY GOD! MARISOL! MARISOL ONE OF THE HAIR EXTENSIONS CAME OUT! MARISOL! NOW! I NEED YOU!" Itachi went screaming into the living room.

"Oh it's okay Itachi. I'll just get another one and replace it. Don't be surprised if you lose another one. I may have to replace several of them."

"Oh…sooo…it's not a big deal?" Itachi asked.

"No, not at all." Marisol said calmly. Itachi was relieved. Time had seemed to slip by quickly because Lola nearly had the potatoes cooked and the chowder was close to being ready.

"Okay, Chiyo come on over here. My soup is almost done." Lola announced to her.

"That means I should cut that bread before it burns." Sasori said reaching into the oven with an oven mitt of course.

"Hey Sasori, what are the chances that you could bring some of that soup over here?" Pein asked.

"Yeah, alright…hold on and I'll bring you and Konan some."

By the time Chiyo's lunch was over it was time to get her to the airport. She made certain to tell everyone goodbye before she left.

"Sasori, I don't approve of your openly sexual and substance abusing lifestyle but you know I love my grandson." Chiyo announced.

"Grandma…" Sasori paused. It just was not worth challenging her…let her believe that he lead a completely belligerent lifestyle…it was fine…whatever. He sighed.

"I know grandma…I'm just a mess. Now come on. It's time to get you out of here."

"Bye Chiyo! Come back sometime, yeah! You're like the fun terrorizing challenge that keeps us on our toes!" Deidara told her.

"Yeah, and about the three dollars…thanks." Kakuzu just HAD to thank her again.

"By Chiyo, don't forget those workout moves we taught you!" Marisol told her. And then they left. Chiyo was going back to the sand country…hopefully for a long, long time.

Okay, sorry it was another short chapter and I apologize for not getting around to replying to reviews this week. Now, I would like to proudly announce my next story which I will start working on today! Akatsuki Ultimate Grill-A-Thon…yes expect blood thirsty competition! I promise I'll try and get the first chapter posted later today!!


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